Leaving Arizona, September 2013

Before I left Minnesota two years ago, I wrote an emotional appeal to my friends and family.  I gushed about how much I loved them and asked them to understand as best as they could why I had to leave.  What follows are my thoughts on my two years of living in Arizona.  Sadly, some of the people I urged to dig deep down within themselves to understand my absence, couldn’t do it, and I lost them.  However, other people I know stood up and touched my heart across the miles.  So to the ones I lost: I miss you, and I’m sorry you couldn’t understand.  To the ones I gained: I love you and I’ll hold you dear to my heart forever.

My time in Arizona has been, for the most part, good.  At first it was hard, but that goes without saying.  When I left Minnesota, I had hit rock bottom.  Not even my closest confidant knows the extent of what happened to me.  I’ll probably take those details to my grave.  I lost my house, I lost my job, I almost lost my car.  If I hadn’t left the state, I would have lost that, too.  I would have been damned if I had lost my cats, then just kittens.  They didn’t deserve to loose anything or live an unhappy life because of the circumstances I found myself in.  Though I had lost everything, I swore to them I wouldn’t let any harm come to them, and that I’d rather die than let them go to another home.  I’ve kept my promise to them, and without them, I honestly don’t know if I would be alive right.

At the end of September, 2011, I packed what remained of my belongings in my car, put my kittens in their carriers, and backed out of my driveway for the last time.  I was scared and unsure and fairly suicidal, but I drove west towards I-35.  I headed south, with only my iPhone’s GPS to guide me.  It took me 8-9 hours to drive to my first stop, North Platte, Nebraska.  I cried almost the entire way.  It was exhausting.  I checked into a seedy, but peaceful motel, unpacked a couple things and let my kittens loose in the room, and cried.  I had never, and haven’t since, felt so awful.  I called someone after I ate a cold can of soup I had brought with me.  I think it was my mom, though I’m uncertain.  I told this person that I wanted to kill myself.  The person urged me not to.  I said I have nothing, I’m homeless, I have no one who wants to take me in, why should I keep living?  You’ll hurt me and everyone who loves you, the person on the other end of the line told me.  I sobbed.  I looked at my kittens and knew I’d never do anything so stupid as long as they were around.  No one can take care of them and love them like I can.  I’m their mom, I raised them from the time they were two months old.  I couldn’t imagine anyone else loving them or potentially abusing them.  I told the person on the end of the line I wouldn’t do it.  The person made me promise. And I did.

The next day I woke up.  Still feeling hopeless, but with a bit of a better view of the world.  I had never felt so thankful to be alive.  I may not have anything or anywhere to live, but I had my life and my kittens.  I packed my car up and started on my second day.

The second day was hard.  I was heading dead south through the eastern edge of Colorado.  Even though it was the beginning of fall, it shot up to well over 90 degrees that day.  It was also the day my air conditioning decided not to work.  My cats were overheating and panting.  It took me awhile to figure out how to help them cool down.  I decided to stop at a gas station, I bought some zip-lock bags and ice, poured the ice into the bags, and stuffed these icey pillows into their cat carriers.  It worked.  Crisis averted, although it ate up time I needed to get to my next destination.  After night fall I made it to Santa Fe, New Mexico.  In the dark, it took awhile to find my way to the hotel, but I finally did.  I checked in with no issue, but then the girl at the desk told me that their hotel only accepts one pet per room.  I told her it didn’t say that anywhere when I made the reservation and that I have two cats with me.  Becoming flustered, I said What do you want me to do, leave one kitten in the car?  She said to bring them both in, but put them in one carrier, as to make it look like there is only one to sneak them past management.  I thanked her, and it worked.  That night I had a cup o ramen using ‘hot’ tap water.  Mmm, crunchy noodles.  I slept well that night, and decided to sleep in a bit, as the drive to Phoenix wouldn’t be as long as the last two days.

I remember my last day driving as a happy one.  My A/C decided to work again, so my descent into ‘the valley’ was a cool one.  I remember marveling at the changing environment, at the different types of roadside stores that began to pop up, and at the strength of the sun.  I got a serious sunburn through my tinted windows on that drive.  I stopped in Gallop, New Mexico and called my mom to give her an update on my status.  The history buff side of me was thrilled to be on historic Route 66.  When I stopped again I was in Payson, Arizona, surrounded by pine trees and curvy, insane roads.  The descent through the mountains down into the valley was insane.  My car was packed to the brim, weighing God knows how much, and I was riding my breaks the whole way down the curving mountain roads for probably close to an hour.  I was scared of this part, though I knew I was almost to my mom’s house in Gilbert, Arizona.  I thought she might be happy to see me.

I think she was at first.

At first she thought my cats and I were a trivial joy.  That came to an end rather quickly.  After about a week, she HATED my cats.  They were just babies, getting into the trouble that babies do, and she hated them.  I had dedicated my life, literally, to these babies, and the way she treated them broke my heart.  At first I didn’t say anything.  I had basically invited myself and my cats to stay at her house when I had no options left in Minnesota.  She never invited me to stay there.  I had asked her.  She couldn’t say no, although now, I feel that deep down she WANTED to say no.  But an answer of ‘no’ would have likely landed me in a homeless shelter somewhere.

I tried to keep my mouth shut out of respect for her taking me in when she didn’t really want to.  Near the end of my stay there, all of the time I had been keeping my emotions inside came to an end, and I finally blew up.  I was angry constantly, and we got into several huge fights.  I stayed there for a total of 3 months, and after that experience, I vowed to never stay with anyone ever again.  No roommate, no live in boyfriend, nothing.  I’d rather fend for myself than deal with someone else’s bullshit, especially when it comes to my cats.  You can fuck with me all you want, but don’t fuck with my cats.  They are defenseless and don’t mean you any harm.  I know a couple people in Minnesota offered for me to stay with them when I moved back, and I appreciate it, but you have to know where I’m coming from after reading this story.

For what seemed like a long time, I had no money.  I tried to find a job with no success at first.  It really is the worst feeling to see all your bills go unpaid.  The one bill I had to keep paying was my (crazy huge) car payment.  I couldn’t keep up on it with zero money coming in.  I swallowed my pride and called my friend Ryan.  He lent me enough money to catch up my car bill.  He might not know how much that means to me.  You saved my ass, Ryan.  Really.  I believe it was on Halloween of 2011.  Even though I’m sure he had a big get together to plan and orchestrate, he sat on the phone with me for quite some time to work it out.  Without that car, my job prospects would have been thrown out the window.  I soon got a job I hated but kept as long as I could until I was offered a good job in November.

I will remember forever, however, when I first walked into my grandma’s apartment, probably a couple days after I got into town.  She had no idea I was coming.  She turned around and with a look of shock on her face said, “What are you doing here?”  We laughed.  When she spoke to my mom later that day, she had said, “Erin looks just like her daddy.”  I take that as a great compliment.  Those words haven’t left me.  Grandma turned into the anchor that kept me here so long, and she turned into my heart.  I ended up seeing her at least once a week for the entire two years I lived here and I helped in whatever way I could.  After a bout in the hospital she hugged and kissed me and said, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  No one has EVER said that to me.  Ever.  I love her and it tears me apart to leave her.  Just knowing later this week will be the last time I might ever see her brings tears to my eyes.

Though I had very little money and no friends to gather around me, I decided to splurge a bit and I bought a ticket to see Puscifer.  They were playing on my 30^th birthday at the Mesa Arts Center and I couldn’t think of any better way to celebrate my entering a new age than with a beer and Maynard James Keenan.  It was a high point in an otherwise dismal situation.

In January of 2012, I moved out of my mom’s house and into an apartment in Mesa, Arizona.  A whole new round of problems began and I felt like I was being punished for something.  Maybe I was (but that’s a whole other story).  First, I moved in and quickly found out the apartment they gave me had bedbugs.  It doesn’t sound like a huge deal, I realize that.  But I wouldn’t wish bedbugs on my worst enemy.  It’s horrible.  Not only do you have rows of three bites all over your body that burn like hell’s fire, but since they only come out at night, you never see them.  Thus, I was terrified to sleep.  It physically sucks, but it was psychologically draining.  I had to spend an insanely large amount of time, effort, energy, and money getting rid of them.  About a month later they were gone.

Then the first rent check I turned in got stolen.  Oh, I didn’t need that hundreds of dollars anyway.  Thanks a lot, you ghetto ass apartment building.

In February of 2012, I decided it was time to try to get my Master’s degree again.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.  Not only had I lost everything in Minnesota, but I had flunked out of graduate school.  If you know me, the perfectionist, straight A diligent student, that was a huge blow.  I had never failed anything in my academic life.  So it was actually a hard decision to begin again and start from scratch.  Self doubt really had a hold on me for a long time, but I decided to go for it.  I’m glad I did.  I began a Master of Science program at Grand Canyon University.  I ended the program with a near perfect GPA of 3.93.  Booyah, self-doubt!

Of course, this entire time I was having money problems.  My rock bottom life in Minnesota needed to be taken care of, so I was trying to pay off bills and collections agencies and the like left and right.  It left very little for rent.  I had snagged a decent job, which I still have, in November 2011 which helped a lot.  I had also accepted a weekend job at a courier company.  So if you ever wonder if I’m lazy, just think of the days when I did graduate school full time and had two jobs all while piecing my life back together.  Nope, I’m not lazy.  I did everything in my power to piece everything back to a life one would consider ‘decent’.

I am indebted to several people for helping me when I was between a rock and hard place for the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012.  I already mentioned Ryan, but I need to thank him again.  Katie, Jarrod, Mark, and Jen also helped me more than they know.  Gordy also sent me a package of CDs when I first got here in 2011.  I loved them, and I thank you if you’re reading this.  You guys really know how to make a girl feel loved, even from 1600 miles away.

In April of 2012, I went to Minnesota for a visit.  With financial aid coming in, I felt like I could finally afford it.  It was a great trip, one I will never forget.  I’ll always remember the first time I saw Katie at the airport.  I had just sat the Phoenix airport on standby ALL DAY (I got there at 6am, I finally got on a plane after 5pm).  I was exhausted and had been crying most of the day.  I hadn’t been on a plane in years, so I was scared shitless and was almost sick on the plane.  I was ragged looking, red face, messed up hair, sweated through clothes.  I was walking from the baggage claim lost in thought when I looked up and saw Katie running towards me.  I hugged her and just cried of happiness.  I love my sister more than anyone else.

In May 2012 I got an unexpected invitation that would change my life.  My friend Louise, who I had met in 2001 in Vancouver, where she lives, for the World Figure Skating Championships, was heading to Las Vegas with a couple girl friends.  Since I lived in Phoenix, which is only about a 6 hour drive from Vegas, she wanted to know if I wanted to meet her there.  I couldn’t refuse.  I hadn’t seen her for 11 years, so I was nervous, but when I first saw her it was like all those years hadn’t kept us apart and we picked up where we left off.  It was great!  Without my move to Phoenix, I think Louise and I would never have gotten so close as we are now.  We went to Vegas again together in August 2012 and then I met her and her family in Los Angeles for a trip to Disneyland in August 2013.  She has helped me in so many ways with all the trials and tribulations I’ve found myself struggling with during my time in Arizona.  She’d listen to me, off advice when I needed it, helped me moneywise several times, encouraged my writing, helped foster my undying love for Phantom of the Opera, dealt with all my (many) fangirl moments, helped me through my depressive episodes, and was just an all around great friend.  I am proud to call her my BFF now and I look forward to an ever growing friendship.  I hope to see her sometime again soon!

November 2012 changed my life.  I took part in National Novel Writing Month and wrote 50,000+ words in 30 days.  This did many things for me.  First, it helped me realize the power of peer support when it comes to writing.  It is invaluable.  Second, it helped me realize that, yes, I CAN do it!  The end result wasn’t my best piece of writing ever (I’m working on one now that I hope will be the nearest to perfection to date) but it got my mind working and it got my creative juices flowing.  Best of all, and thirdly, it made me brave enough to put my work out there.  I self-published this novel in May 2013 for several reasons.  First, because I could.  I never wanted to make a ton of money or anything.  I knew it wasn’t that good.  But I wanted my friends and family to read it.  So… mission accomplished.  Second, I had to do it by the end of April in order to get 5 free printed copies of it.  Dumb, sure, but by god I wanted those free copies.  It was a hard lesson in what constitutes good writing and what doesn’t, but it is one I think one can only learn by letting others read what you’ve written.  You don’t realize what mistakes or missteps you’ve taken until others can look it over, critique it, and view it through completely unbiased eyes.  This was a hard lesson to take in but well worth it.  I know now how much more growth I require, and the extent of ‘sky’s the limit’ thrills me to no end.  Now, I’ve published countless articles with various magazines and websites, I’ve had more of my poetry published and I’m working on another novel which I actually plan to pitch to publishers.  Very exciting time for me.  Plus, in an attempt to hone my craft, I am in an MFA program for creative writing.  I’ve already written a flash fiction piece which got a very positive reception and I’ve just written my first short screenplay.  None of this would have happened if I hadn’t moved to Arizona.  NONE.

Side note: While in Arizona, I inadvertently quit smoking.  I think being so isolated took all the ‘fun’ and ‘social’ aspects out of it, so I just stopped.  I haven’t smoked for a year and a half.  Yay for quitting bad habits!

By the beginning of 2013, I was just beginning to settle into a not-so-dismal financial and emotional state.  My brother John came to Arizona for a visit and it was great!  I had missed him a lot.  He got to celebrate my grandma’s 95^th birthday with us and it was a ton of fun.

Now, here’s the time when I realized something big.  Like… it changed my attitude about Arizona in a major way.  I knew from the time I got here that I was different in fundamental ways from my family that lives down here.  I am not religious in any way, shape or form.  I call myself an atheist with no hesitation.  Nothing you or anyone else can say will ever, EVER change my mind on this.  My family in Arizona are all Mormon, for the most part.  I accept that, and love them all just the same.  I do.  Your religion doesn’t define who you are.  That’s just a small piece of you.  If you are my flesh and blood, I will automatically love you.

I found near the beginning of 2013 that this sentiment was not reciprocated by several of my Mormon family members.

I will bring up one family member specifically.  I already told her this, to her face, so I am not talking behind her back or whatever.  My aunt Connie decided to quit talking to me because of some of the things I post on Facebook.  Really?  Because I feel I have the right to speak my mind and use whatever language I see fit, that’s enough to not love me?  Wow.  And she calls herself a good Christian.  Please.  I’m pretty sure if Jesus had been there to witness her utter lack of love for her own flesh and blood, over something so petty, he would have been more than disappointed.  I’m an atheist, I have tattoos, I curse, I listen to metal music, I like movies that use foul language… but I also accept people for who they are, I have compassion and empathy, I give to charity, I love animals, I get emotional when I think I may have hurt someone… but I’m the devil incarnate and I don’t deserve to associate with ‘righteous’ people such as herself.  Awesome.  A couple other family members also lectured me to my face about my tattoos and my choices.  At a certain point, I cracked.  So much hate flowing towards me, all aimed at a girl that keeps to herself and tries to do good.  I couldn’t fathom it.  The reasoning behind it was flawed.  I struggled with it for a long time.  I finally decided they are not worth it.  If I did not see these family members again, I would not be heart broken.  My grandma has been more than welcoming and loving and hospitable to me.  Uncle Ray has been nice, so has my cousin Kenna, and my aunt Sue and uncle Al.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.

No, wait.  One more thing.  Because of this, I’ve learned to not take people who love me for granted.  My family back in Minnesota… Be warned.  I’m gonna love you and appreciate you with all my heart.  I’ve already made plans to see several of them.  It might be a teary reunion, but one I look forward to with every ounce of my being.

I will miss some things about the great state of Arizona in general.  Being so close to cool shit, like Vegas, the Grand Canyon, and San Diego rank among them.  I am very thankful I got to see as much of this beautiful state as I did.  The wildlife here are amazing.  I was able to see a bunch of them: a pack of havelina, roadrunners, quail, vultures, scorpions, lizards.  I discovered there is such a thing as a jumping spider.  I was also able to see my fair share of dust devils.  I LOVE dust devils and would get a huge goofy grin whenever I’d see one out in the boonies of the desert.  Once one made its way across the road and right over my car.  It was fantastic.  I got to drive up into Globe and Superior, all the way out to Safford, and around into Tucson many, many times.  Seeing Piccacho Peak off the I-10 coming (or going) to Phoenix was incredible.  I’ll always have soft spot for that mountain.  Seeing Superstition Mountain in the distance whenever I wanted to was great.  It is so beautiful.  South Mountain and Camelback Mountain are also cool.  The Red Mountains near where I live in Mesa are awesome.  Being able to take part in several acting projects also ranks among some of my most fond memories, and those opportunities will be sorely missed.  The mild winters, no ice or snow, and a wardrobe consisting mainly of flip flops and tank tops will also be missed (though I do welcome the comeback of wearing hoodies, scarves, and mittens!).   Authentic Mexican food, cacti, washes, cell towers disguised as palm trees (ha!), regular palm trees, and sunsets…. Oh, my god sunsets down here are one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my life.  I’m so glad I decided to carry on with my life that dark, low night in North Platte, Nebraska.  Although much of my time in Arizona was struggling to be human again, some of the wondrous sights and experiences I wouldn’t trade for anything.

For many reasons I don’t care to go into, I didn’t make a lot of friends.  A lot of it had to do with my lack of money, some of it had to do with my extreme lack of self-confidence and a low self-image (I still have that low self-image thing going on), but the bottom line is I didn’t make many friends.  Wait… I didn’t really make ANY friends down here.  As hard as it was to isolate myself, I felt I needed to in order to focus on myself and get my shit right.  There was no way I could have made time for friends, so in a way I am glad I could see that and decided to focus solely on myself and my recovery.  On the other hand, I felt like I was literally in solitary confinement for two years.  I’m nervous that my friends and family back home won’t understand this and my resulting psychological issues.  I’m used to being alone, and I’ve found that I get irritated very easily with other people.  I’ve also developed a pretty good sized social anxiety, which I’m taking care of with a doctor.  It got so bad at one point that in crowds, or in situations where there was no clear escape, I would have a full blown panic attack.  Even going to the movies would give me a panic attack.  Thank god I’ve gotten that under control but I need to ease back into being super social again.  It’ll take time and I hope my slow progress towards that goal doesn’t deter even more friends from wanting to be around me.

I think I pissed a lot of people off by my lack of contact, or at least by my lack of actual phone calls.  I don’t expect anyone to understand this, but to me, talking on the phone caused me too much pain.  In my heart, talking on the phone is just a big tease.  I’d much rather talk in person.  So, talking on the phone when I know I won’t be able to see you for god knows how long was heart wrenching, and would always plunge me into a deep depression.  It’s not your fault!  Don’t think that my not calling you was for anything you did.  It just caused me so much heart ache to hear your voice and know I couldn’t see you.  But now that I’m coming back to Minnesota, there are a few of you who might get sick of my voice after awhile!

The entire time I’ve lived here, I was single.  I met a few guys, but I just felt “meh” about all of them.  I wasn’t ready to date.  Not even close.  And for the first time in my life, I was able to admit I wasn’t ready and that the best decision for my recovery was to take time off and just get to know myself.  And you know what?  It was awesome.  Being single for two years made me love ME again.  I realized that I don’t need a romantic relationship to be ‘whole’.  A relationship isn’t finding your other half.  It’s finding someone to augment your happiness, to add to it in a meaningful way.  No other human should fill a void.  You should fill your own void.  Once you know and love yourself, then you can find someone to add on to your huge stack of ‘happy’ you already have.  It took me 30 years to realize this, but I’m glad I finally realized what I was doing wrong.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom, and she asked, “Your time here in Arizona wasn’t all bad, right?”  Of course it wasn’t all bad.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Sometimes I wish I had stayed in Minnesota… but it just didn’t happen.  Now, less than a week from today, I’ll be making my journey back.  All the money, time, and planning it has taken to coordinate this move has been extremely stressful.  But it’ll be worth it in the end.  As dumb as it sounds, one thing that pushed me out the door and on my way to Arizona was the journey of Frodo and Sam in the Lord of the Rings (nerd alert!).  They weren’t sure what they were getting themselves into, they were venturing out into lands they had never seen before.  As Sam said, “If I take one more step, this will be the furthest from the Shire I have ever been.” 

The line that really got me, though, was this: “By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

And so I went on my journey to Mordor, to cast into the fires of Mount Doom my disastrous past.  I didn’t think I’d make it through, but I did.  I had lots of chances to turn back, only I didn’t.  I kept going.  Thank you, Samwise Gamgee.

As I make my journey home now, Sam’s voice still echoes in my head: “Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It'll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they'll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields... and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?”

 -I can't wait to see you all soon,  Love, Erin

Leaving Minnesota, September 2011

For reference, here is the little note I wrote to my friends before I left Minnesota.  I wrote it on September 16, 2011:


I hope no one thinks that me picking up and leaving was an easy decision.  It's been agonizing.  People closest to me know how sentimental I am... it's been so hard.  I've thought about leaving so many times in the past, but just couldn't find the courage.  Now I know I can, because I know I'll be back.  I've lived in Minnesota for almost 30 years, with a small stint overseas; this is my true home.

And it's more than just where I perceive "home" to be.  It's also about soul mates.  That's the part that chokes me up while I type.  I have a couple people in mind while I write this, and I'll mention some of them here.  When people typically think of the term "soul mate" they think of a romantic relationship.  I don't see it that way.  I met two people when I was very young, and I am still very close to them til this day.  We've gone through EVERYTHING together, and they are still the only two people who can make me laugh so hard liquid comes out of my nose.  We obviously don't see each other as much as we used to (when we were young) but we don't have to.  We just have this weird cosmic mental connection.  We can always pick up right where we left off, even if we haven't seen each other in damn near a year.  Of course, I'm talking about Katie and Kauri.  I don't know if I'll miss anyone as much as I'll miss you girls.

Another soul mate I won't mention by name.  But this person I knew I was destined to have a crazy, intense, soul-gripping connection with, like I've never had before.  I was engaged to a guy when I was younger... and that relationship pales in comparison to what I feel when I am with the person about whom I am currently speaking.  I remember it like it was yesterday the first night, no, the first moment we met.  I don't think I'll ever have that kind of connection with a human ever again.  Other relationships might come close, but it'll never be quite like what happens in a movie... and that's what happened the first time we met each other's gaze.  There are no words to describe it... I've never loved another person as deeply, or as thoroughly, or as intensely as I loved this person.  Even though I'm leaving him behind, I think the world will throw us back together again when the time is right.

The same goes for Katie and Kauri.  I know in my heart we'll see each other again.  And once again, we'll pick up where we left off, like nothing happened, like always.  That bond will never fade.

What I've noticed about these intense bonds I've formed with a couple people... is that they all just happened.  No one outwardly "tried" to make such an epic connection.  It just happened.  Also with these people, I remember it like it was yesterday the first time I met and befriended each of them.  Kauri... it was 4th grade, and you and your mom came in late after you broke your arm (and you had your awesome hot pink cast on); Katie, I knew you before we became friends, but I remember the subtle moment we became friends... we were in 7th grade art class, and you sat next to me and we started talking.  We haven't shut up since :)

Same goes for a couple other people who've entered my heart and will never leave.  It goes without saying that leaving the site of my dad's grave is gonna be hard.  He passed away when I was 24, and I've visited his grave so many times I've lost count.  When I achieved something great I'd go there and share it with him; if something awful happened I'd sit with him and cry.  I know it sounds weird, but just being there and feeling his spirit has helped me through the best and worst times in my life.  Surprisingly, I haven't gone to tell him about what's going on in my life currently.  Maybe I feel like just admitting out loud what has happened would be too much, or maybe I feel like I've let down my dad, who was always my biggest fan.  I know in life my daddy and I had our share of problems, but I was always a daddy's girl, no matter what.  I could fill a whole book with my fond childhood memories of him.  Leaving MN would be like leaving all of my childhood behind.

Another person with whom I just clicked is Ryan.  I still remember the first time I met him, too.  He called me while I was out in Inver Grove Heights.  At the time I lived on the west bank of the U of M campus.  He asked if I wanted to meet up, and since I hadn't met him in person yet, I agreed.  He gave me directions from IGH to Apple Valley; to a city-slicker such as myself, it seemed so much like the boonies (super dark drive!).  I met him and his friend Brandon at the infamous Perkins in AV, and we sat there and talked until 5am.  He helped me through a lot too, and helped me get the best job I've ever had: Simon Delivers.  I worked there for almost 4 years, and it was great.  I don't talk to him nearly enough anymore, either, but he is my Oprah!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of my love is sent to you, friends.  <3

(See my next post for the long note I wrote as I leave Arizona now in September 2013!)

Flash Fiction: U-Turn

U-Turn

Screaming permeated the walls of the house.  In the darkness, I leaned up against my car, can of beer held loosely in my hand, staring up at the towering structure.  My chest began to tighten as I wondered, for the first time, what I had really gotten myself into.

My left hand toyed with the cell phone that lay dormant in my jeans pocket.  Eyes drifting away from the house, the lids closed over them.  I could feel my heart beating wildly through my chest, and as I furiously contemplated my next move, the beating moved into my shoulders, my neck, finally into my throat.

I pushed myself off the car and began to walk towards the deserted street.  My cheeks grew hot and I felt tears pounding at my eyes.  Why did I let him control me with his anger, with his sickness?  I lifted my arm and harshly threw the beer can into the street, the liquid fizzing and exploding out of the top, spurting into amber puddles in the night.

With a start, I stopped and twirled around.  Glass crashed from within the house, and a scream followed.  I ran towards my car, got in with a jolt.  Once backed into the street, I thrust it into drive and pulled out my phone.

“911, what is your emergency?”

I swallowed hard and stared unblinkingly ahead.  “Yes, I, um… I think that my boyfriend is beating up his mother.  He’s very drunk.”

“Okay, how do you know this?”

“I was just over there, I heard it happening.”

“Are you there now?”

I blinked.  “No…”

“Okay, where is the incident taking place?”

I told her the details through clenched teeth, through the hot and silent tears running down my face.  This is not what love is, I lamented as I pressed the accelerator harder.  This is all a game to him.  He drew me in with talk of love, with compliments of how perfect I am.  Yeah, just perfect enough to manipulate and control.  How stupid could I be to fall in love with this lunatic?

“Do you think you can go back there to speak to the police officer?”

No, no, no, no…

“Yes.”

Ending the call, I tossed the phone onto the passenger’s seat, the screen blinking to black.  As I licked my lips, a sob wrenched my body.  As counterintuitive as it was, I couldn’t help but go back.  I had to make sure his mother, a woman who had dealt with an alcoholic husband who beat her and raised four kids who grew into alcoholics, was okay.  Or as okay as she could be.  And the passive, ‘yes-sir’, do-anything-to-please-you side of me wanted to make sure the man I was now ashamed to call my boyfriend would be okay, too.

On the deserted highway, I abruptly turned the wheel to the left in a u-turn, and headed back to the disaster I just couldn’t escape.

I followed the two distinct yellow beams back to where I started, running over the beer can I had thrown in the street as I steered back into the driveway.  A squad car waited for me, as did two silhouettes with flailing arms and moving lips.

I reached over and grasped my cell phone, hands sweating, as the car died.  One foot lowered to the pavement, and before the other could follow suit, I was met head on by Mary.

“You were encouraging him, weren’t you?”  Mere inches from my face she screamed, the smell of sleep and cough drops wafting towards me.  “This is all your fault!  He wouldn’t drink if it weren’t for you!”

I was speechless.  He had been into drugs and drinking long before I met him.  I grunted incoherent blather as the police officer came up to us.  “Now, ma’am,” he said, calmly.  “Let’s just calm down.”   He stepped between Mary and I; he said to me in a low voice, “Come with me so we can talk.”

We walked away from her, but as I moved, I noticed Dan was now nowhere to be found.  Instinctively I put my hand on the cop’s elbow and he stopped.  “Dan’s gone.”  He hummed a question, and I repeated, panic ripping my voice, “Dan’s gone, my boyfriend, he left.”

“Do you believe he is a danger to himself or others?”

I shook my head rapidly.  If I hadn’t thought he was a danger to himself or others, would I have called 911 in the first place?  “Yes!” I wailed.

The officer nodded once and headed over to his squad car.  I shot a death look at Mary and in that same instant my cell phone began to vibrate in my hand.  I whipped it up to my face.  I said, seething, “Where are you?”

“You don’t understand,” Dan slurred.  His voice sounded strained.  “Neither does Mom.  No one does!”

“Dan, calm down.  Just come home.”

“You called the cops on me!”

“I could hear you guys screaming from outside.  What was I supposed to do, let you beat your mother to death?”

Silence filled my ears.  I pulled in a breath when Dan continued, “I have a knife.”  Another moment passed, my mouth agape in shock.  “I’m going to kill myself.”

“Where are you?” I repeated.

No answer.  Only sobs.

“Dan, where are you? You need help.” My muscles clenched.  “I want to help you.”

“I’m cutting my wrists.”

Eyes wide, I whirled and shouted, “He’s going to kill myself!  We need to find him, now!”

            “Any idea where he might be?” the officer said, his calm beginning to crumble.  He muttered something into his walkie.

            “Probably at the park up the street.”

            “I’m on it.”  He turned from me as I hung my head, but he stopped short.  “Do you want to take custody of him?  He can’t stay here at his mother’s tonight…”

            “No, I don’t want custody of him.  Drag him to jail or the psych ward or wherever.  I’m done.”

Copyright © 2013 by Erin M. Truesdale

Second Part of the Teaser Scene from Dauntless, "Get Hot! Get Hot!"

Hey everyone!  This is the second half of the teaser scene I promised you.  It starts right where the last one left off, so you may need to go back and re-read my last post and then continue on to this one.  Enjoy!

             “What, you didn’t think I’d show up?”

            “I knew you would,” she breathed.  Turning back towards Lillie, Charlotte waved her over despite the annoyance clearly wrenching her face.  “Lil!  Come over here!”

            Lillie slowly made her way, and Charlotte reached out and grabbed her hand.  “Lillie,” she beamed.  “This is Harry, the mystery man from the other night.”

            Jay looked steadily into Lillie’s baby blue eyes, coaxing her to open up.  He could tell she had a crush on him, he knew as much last night.  Unblinkingly, he gradually crept his hand towards her.  Arms crossed tightly across her bosom again, his fingers grazed her, persuading one hand to untangle itself from her constricted stance.  Snaking his fingers beneath her fingers and across her palm, he could see her eyes widen and dart over to Charlotte and back to him just as quickly, her lips slightly parted.  A twinge of a smile twitched there as he lifted her hand to his mouth.  Bowing down slightly, he kissed it, letting his lips linger a moment longer than he should have.  Remaining bowed, he raised his eyes to meet hers again, and electricity jumping out towards her.  “You must be Lillie.”  He sighed the words out low as if he were divulging a secret.  “Charmed.”

            Blinking several times, breathing unevenly, Lillie could no longer hold back the smile as she willingly let her hand remain in his.  “Pleasure’s all mine.”

            At this Charlotte snickered but Lillie paid it no mind.  Glowing he turned back to Charlotte.  “I brought you ladies a surprise.”

            “Oh, Harry, you didn’t have to do that!”

            “Well,” he admitted, glancing back over at her friend.  “It’s more for Lillie.”

            Cocking her head to the side, Lillie gasped, taken aback.  “For me?  What in the world for?”

            Chuckling he explained, “I thought it might be weird having the three of us, because, you know, the third person always feels left out.  So…”  Flicking his eyebrows up and down curtly, he jumped off of his barstool and pushed past them.  “Excuse me for a moment, ladies.”

            As he walked away, Charlotte and Lillie looked at each other, confused.  “What is he doing?” Lillie whispered.

            “I haven’t the slightest,” she answered, shaking her head.  “But I guess we’ll see.  He’s coming back already.”

            Disbelieving, Lillie ran up to meet Jay, who was now with another man in the doorway to the dance floor.  He cleared his throat.  “Lillie, this is my friend, Calvin.  I told him about you and he said he’d love to meet you.”  Turning to Cal, he said confidently, “This is Lillie.  Isn’t she as lovely as I said?”

            “She sure is,” Cal agreed and stepped closer to Lillie.  “It’s nice to make your acquaintance.”

            “The pleasure’s all mine,” Lillie replied, dreamily.  Her eyes locked on Cal’s, Jay walked back over to Charlotte.

            “You don’t mind that I brought her a date, do you?”  Charlotte grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and kissed him.  That was all the answer he needed.

            The two couples eventually made their way out to the dance floor, which was full of people and smoke.  Letting Cal and Lillie lead the way, Charlotte stood on her tippy toes and said directly into Jay’s ear, “Do you mind if Lillie and I have a dance by ourselves?  We just reconciled… in a way.”

            Jay nodded but let his fingers linger from her shoulder down her arm and to her fingers tips as she floated away.  Soon he was joined by Cal.  “You were right, old boy, Lillie is a tasty one!”

            “What did I tell you?” Jay laughed.  “Let’s just sit back with our brandy and watch these beautiful hoofers.”

            “Sounds great to me,” Cal agreed and they clinked their glasses together.

            Jay initially did not want to merely watch Charlotte dance, but as she moved along side Lillie, he was mesmerized.  She was wild, set alight by life, and set apart from the other girls.  The floor was full of girls, but she was the only one that towered over them with her passion, with those luscious brown eyes that glanced at him every so often.  She only looks at me that way.  Not Teddy, only me.  Waving her arms about, her hair flying from side to side, she closed her eyes and let the jazz flow through her, jumping around, her white and silver skirts flailing up to show well above her knees, inching up towards her thighs.  Her blush hue grew deeper, her smile wider.  Her bare shoulders glistened in the twinkling lights, the plunging neckline outlined with ruffles sunk lower as she danced.  The crazy night pulled him in, and he wondered why he ever held it all in, it felt so good to let loose, to let it out.  All of those memories of his childhood, all the hurt, the loss, how he covered it up and became a different person, he had to let it alone and let off some steam.  Half under and spinning, he loved the feeling of freedom, of pushing the envelope towards doom, of falling head over heels for this wild child. 

            Lillie and Charlotte -along with several other ladies- had drawn a crowd now, and as the multitudes urged them on, they began to chant.  Jay joined in, urging his alluringly untamed Charlotte to, “Get hot!  Get hot!”

            Feeling the magnetism, Jay began to float towards her, pulled in by life.  Gulping down the last of his drink, he sat it on a nearby table absently, eyes locked on Charlotte.  Noticing he was coming to join her, she beckoned him with an outstretched finger, curling and pulsing fluidly.  Her lips formed shapes, like she was saying Jay I want you although she only knew him as Harry, but he was so in the moment he didn’t even think about that part as he reduced the space between them to virtually nothing.  Hot on hot, his lips then his tongue found hers, while her hands found their way under his jacket, and in this moment, all was right in the world.

            “ALRIGHT THIS IS A BUST!  GET ON THE FLOOR!”

            The horns wound down to a halt in an instant, drum sticks were hitting the floor with high pitched clinks, and the singer stopped mid-note and threw herself to the ground.  The crowd began to scatter.  Jay and Charlotte looked at each other with alarm.  They both had the same look: fright, surprise, guilt.  Grabbing her waist without a word and rushing her towards the back of the establishment like everyone else, a high buzz took up all of Jay’s thoughts.  The one thing that made it through the static was, Get out, now!

            Charlotte’s head thrashed from side to side and she yelled, “Lillie!  Lillie!” but Jay rushed her onwards, and away from her friend, anyhow.  The sheer reality of the situation discombobulated his brain to the point that he could only feel his life falling apart before him.  Shaking his head as they ran, people flying this way and that, shoving and pushing and screaming, his face shaking not only out of fear but out of frustration.  The pair of them lammed into the confused and loud crowd, heading for the exit.  How, his mind buzzed, did he not realize that the very first time he’d let his guard down, the hired thugs of Chicago would show up to bust the joint?  It would only figure, and it would only happen to him!  He found his freedom, the woman of his dreams, he had a nice smooth drink in his hand, his friend nearby, laughing, singing, trumpets blaring his eardrums out, and the army was called out.  But why?  To get him?  To get Charlotte?  You’re being too paranoid, he told himself, but still he shook his head, because anything was possible. 

Copyright © 2013 "Dauntless" by Erin M. Truesdale

Teaser Scene from "Dauntless" excerpt of Part Two, Chapter Six

Hey, Erin here.  I know, I haven't posted in awhile.  However, I've been hard at work writing, so that makes up for it, right?  I tend to think so.  To coax you into forgiving me for my lengthy absence, I thought I'd give you a taste of my newest novel in progress, "Dauntless."  This one likely won't be published until early 2014, but I'd love to hear what you have to say about this scene which, yes, I plucked out of the middle of the story.  But I love it, so I thought I'd reveal it for you.  This is from Part Two, Chapter Six entitled "Get Hot! Get Hot!"  Enjoy!

                          Powerful and resonant horns boomed throughout the club, trumpets and trombones belting out an upbeat swing tune, as a wonderfully sensuous, dark skinned gal sang the melody in a deep, heavenly voice.  Smoke clogged up most of the joint, cloaking the patrons in a concealing fog, allowing each group, or each couple, their own little intimate piece of the dance floor.  Smoking a cigarette hanging off the end of a long, elegant, tortoise shell holder that was all the rage with the high class dolls, Charlotte's lazy eyes met Lillie’s pale blues through the mist.  Pressing her lips together, she stared, and Lillie squirmed.

                    “You really carry a torch for him, don’t you?” Lillie asked softly.  She held a glass in her left hand absently, her fingers forgetting to hold it upright.  The glare she had thrown at Charlotte was now letting up as she saw the pleading in her eyes.  “You really, really like him?”

                    “Yes, I really do.”  Charlotte’s feet tapped the floor briskly as she rubbed up upraised arm.  “I know that you had your eye on him…”

                   Sighing, Lillie uncrossed her arms, and placed a hand tenderly on Charlotte’s shoulder.  Noticing Charlotte’s now downcast eyes, she leaned in and said nicely, “Then don’t worry about it.  Have fun with him.  I’m serious, you deserve to have a little bit of fun, Char.”

                    Looking up again, her eyes big and about to run over with tears, she smiled and grabbed Lillie’s hand.  “Do you mean it?”

                    “Of course!  We’ve been friends for how long now?  I would never let a man come between us!”

                    Pulling the slender cigarette holder away from her lips, she wrapped her friend in an embrace without hesitation.  After the shock wore off, Lillie lifted her hands and squeezed her friend, a wry smile cracking her expression.  As Charlotte pulled back, she nimbly planted a kiss on her friend’s cheek.  Lillie squealed in surprise.

                    “Char!  What an indecent girl you are!”  Laughing loudly, she dabbed at the spot on her cheek where the kiss had landed.  “Oh, Charlotte!  There must be a bright red pair of lips there now.”

                    Giggling, Charlotte pulled out a handkerchief and delicately wiped away the red print.  Her dark brown eyes lifted to meet Lillie’s again, and the sparkle she found there made her realize everything was okay.  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist!” she twittered innocently.  As she leaned back, replacing her kerchief back into her handbag, her eyes dulled and her expression hardened.  “You do know how much I love Teddy…” she whispered.

                    “Of course, darling.”

                    “…But you also know how much he controls me and holds me back and yells at me…”

                    “He sure does.”

                    “So… I’m just having a little fun.”

                    “You deserve it… don’t feel guilty.”

                    “You’re a good friend.”

                    “Now!”  Lillie cried cheerfully as she raised her glass to her mouth.  Tilting it all the way back, she emptied it in one swig.  “We must refill our glasses, and then we must become floorflushers!”

                    Exclaiming, “Yes!” Charlotte reached to the small table on which she leaned, retrieved her wine glass, emptied it, and linking arms with Lillie, they pranced away towards the barkeep.  Sweeping their hems under them as they sat, each woman relaxed on a barstool, bowing into towards each other, laughing over a joke only the two of them would understand.  “Two whiskey-rocks and two dry martinis, if you please,” Charlotte cooed, and twisted back towards Lillie hastily.

                    “Tell me everything,” Lillie chirped, burning with curiosity.  “Is he a good kisser?”

                    Charlotte raised an eyebrow slyly.  “The best!”  The two burst into a wail of laughter, which was cut short by, “So passionate!  Couldn’t you just tell he’d be that way?”

                    “The other night when I had my eyes on him, he’d look at me with this unblinking stare so intensely…” Lillie feigned a swoon and the two laughed again.  “Something deep in his eyes… And I could never tell what color they were.  Green?  Blue?  Grey?”

                    “So intense!” Charlotte agreed.  Two shots of whiskey were slammed down in front of them.  Each woman lifted her own into the air.  “To best friends!”

                    “Best friends!” Lillie cheered back, and each tipped their drink back fiercely.  They simultaneously hammered the short, dense glasses on the bar top, letting them run into each other with a clink!  “Oh, Char, I gotta level with you…”

                    “What?”

                    “Teddy telephoned my house this morning.”

                    “Oh!  God… What did he say?”

                    “He wanted to know where you were last night, since you never turned up.”

                    “And?”

                    “I told him you had stayed over at my place, and that seemed to cool him off.”

                    Touching her fingers to her cheek, she muttered, “Oh, my word…”

                    “I just thought you should know what I said, just in case…”

                    “I got it.”  Averting her eyes momentarily, she swallowed and composed herself.  Lifting the newly arrived martini, she said, her voice shaking, “Thank you, Lil.  You saved me.”

                    “Don’t mention it.”  Smiling again, she said, pleading, “Don’t worry about it, okay?  We’ve got an edge started.  I think we need to get zozzled tonight.”

                    “I think you’re…” Adjusting the skirt below her, Charlotte swiveled in her seat, her eyes sweeping across the far end of the bar.  She stopped cold.

                    “What, Char?  You think I’m what?”  Following her friend’s gaze, she saw a man sitting at the far end of the bar, holding a drink in his hand nonchalantly, his hat tipped to the side at that just-right angle, blanketed in the poorly lit fringe of the room.  That foxy smile adorned his face, and he winked at her.  Without answering her friend’s inquiry, she almost threw her drink back on the bar, bounded off of her perch on the barstool, and ran towards him.  She too was cloaked in darkness as she wrapped him in a warm embrace, slowly pressing her lips to his.

                    “Harry…”

                    “What, you didn’t think I’d show up?”

Excerpt from "Dauntless" Copyright © 2013 by Erin M. Truesdale

Vanishing

Pulled in every direction
Joints creaking and groaning
Against the sheer force of the
Pain.

Incoherent thoughts
Crashing through my mind
How do I remove myself from this
Insanity.

Mouth turning upwards
I close my eyes
A sweet darkness swallowing me
Up.

The pain recedes
And so do I
Vanishing from the tight
Clutches.

When I re-materialize I am
Far above, I'm laughing
My attitude trumped your
Strength.

Next time you
Think you can force
Me to bend to your
Will.

Reconsider this choice
As I will once more
Vanish and come out
On top.

-Erin M. Truesdale, 2013

Home

Everyone has a home, but what does that word really mean?  Technically, it has a plethora of meanings.  For instance, it can mean a physical house or place of residence.  Home can also imply people with whom you live; as many people say, a house is not a home without a family inside.  It can also be a place you are familiar with, a place in which you feel most comfortable.  Home can be your headquarters, either where you and your friends hang out every Friday night or where a company's main offices are located.  It can even be an objective you strive for, like home plate.

All of those definitions are accurate, but not to me.  Home is not where the heart is, it is not where I hang my hat, it is not where I lay my head each night.  It is where I was born, where I was raised, where I hale from.  Home is the place I am familiar with, the place in which I feel the most comfortable, where I am most relaxed, and where I am in the most harmony with myself and my environment.

Since I've moved 1500 miles from my place of origin, I've been struggling with the concept of home.  Home seems so simple, so natural, so comfortable that I don't think many people will understand this conundrum unless they've moved a significant distance from their place of birth.  In a way, Arizona is home, and here's why.  Generations ago, my ancestors settled this place.  The city in which I reside currently, Mesa, was settled and founded by my ancestors, Mormon pilgrims who traveled via wagon train across the country.  I live a mere miles from where most of them are buried.  It's amazing to walk on the same soil they did a couple hundred years ago and to gaze upon the same mountains they did.  As awesome as this is for me, being a history lover and all, it still doesn't feel like home.

My plans to move back to my home to Minnesota have been foiled indefinitely due to some funding issues.  This setback has really torn out my heart, and it is making me wonder: Can live here in Arizona any longer?  A part of me says no, but in a way, I think that is just my attitude towards it.  I never meant to stay here for any extended period of time, and now here I am, almost two years later, still in Arizona.  I haven't made one friend and most of my family here doesn't seem to want to embrace me because I am not Mormon.  If I got over this whole weird dichotomy of 'home' I might be able to stay here and make some friends if I had to... I just feel like I would be a traitor to my real home if I did.

Do you see where my dilemma lies?

I've been miserable being in Arizona for one reason.  Okay, two if you count the heat.  But the main reason is I have no social life.  I miss going out with people once in awhile to see a movie or grab a beer.  I'm so used to being alone now, I feel like I'm conditioned to feel anxious about it.  It's a weird downward spiral I have been experiencing, and I want to reverse it.  If I'm unable to make it to Minnesota, I better start being social here before I really go loopy.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to resign myself to transforming this place into 'home' at least for the time being.  It's all in your attitude about a place.  I've spent most of my time hating Arizona, but if I told myself it is familiar (which by now it is, at least partially) and comfortable (I guess it is, if I stay indoors nine months out of the year) and relaxing (that might be stretching it) then maybe I can make this a temporary home.

-Erin M. Truesdale, July 10, 2013